Nature SUCKS.

Yes I know all you granola crunchers will unfriend me after you read this…but right now, while I am in the middle of a squirrel war, I don’t care. Let me explain a bit about myself…I am not a nature girl. I will not go camping with you. I will not cook over an open fire. I will not wash camp dishes in cold soapy water. My idea of “roughing it” consists of calling down to room service and asking for extra cream. I am serious.
Don’t get me wrong…I like nature…from a distance. Nature is wonderful…when it’s not eating my furniture.
So far, since moving into my lovely river front property I have had to contend with 200 geese on my front yard. 200 geeses worth of geese poop…24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Mortifying. Last weekend I woke up to a couple of green headed Mallard Ducks trying to have their way with a little lady duck right on my deck …they were persistent and loud and relentless. Did I mention they were loud? And persistent? And loud? A canard threesome. Oh joy. These guys were shameless…not exactly the thing you want to see while drinking your first cup of morning coffee. Honestly. Get a room. And maybe a website.
Now I am in mortal combat with a squirrel. Little bugger. Earlier in the week I looked out on my wonderful property and I saw a little squirrel on my hammock …looking busy, and guilty. I stopped and looked a little closer…what is that little rodent doing? Is he…no…he can’t be…gasp…yes…yes HE IS. The little f*cker is peeling my hammock apart. Like the kids do with that string cheese stuff. My big huge rope hammock is being systematically disassembled by a 4 pound rat with a bushy tail. I. Will. Kill. Him. I went outside and the little coward took off up a tree. I shook my fist at him….he shook his fist at me…we both chattered at one another, and because I am at the top of the food chain I, naturally, won the fight. Lesson learned little fella…don’t mess with me, I have opposable thumbs. Smug in my own sense of self-importance I went back inside knowing I had conquered nature.
Unfortunately nature was not quite ready to go quietly into that good night. The new bain of my existence is now a squirrel the size of one of my Jimmy Choo shoes. He’s a smart one…only attacks at dusk, when he thinks I’m not looking. But I am on to him. I have positioned myself on the couch so I can watch TV and the hammock simultaneously. I have a bunch of pebbles ready to bean the little bugger with. Have no doubt, I will win. I laid in wait all week. At last my moment arrived…I caught him red handed… looking right at me while peeling my hammock apart. Taunting me. This was the moment I was going to show nature who was really in charge. I ran out, grabbed a handful of pebbles, ran toward my furry ememy to chase him away and immediately slipped on a swath of goose poop...landing right on my ass. I almost killed myself slipping on goose poop trying to get to him. The squirrel, already up a tree and out of my reach, pointed and laughed at me…the fornicating ducks quacked in ridicule and somewhere in the near distance 200 pooping geese gave each other a high-5. Nature sucks. It’s also very slippery.